Romney = Skinner. Or, Why Romney Won’t Be President

Scene – Stabalot: The Itchy and Scratchy Musical’s opening night. Play ends. Audience claps and asks for avante-garde director Juliana Krellner.

Krellner: Thank you. Thank you. Its such a thrill for me to be back in my hometown, Springfield!

<Enter Principal Skinner, stage right>

Skinner: She also graduated from Springfield Elementary.

Krellner: oh… Principal Skinner! <mock surprised>

Skinner: Ha Ha Ha. You know, Julianna, it’s no surprise you became such a success. You always got straight-A’s in school.

Krellner: Well I remember getting a B or 2 in Math.

Skinner: Ha Ha Ha. Well, of course you did. You are a girl. <looks to Audience for reaction>

Audience: Gasp!

Skinner: No! All uh… All I meant was from what I’ve seen, boys are better at math, science, the real subjects. There. That should put the matter behind us.

Audience: Gasp!!!

Krellner: Calm down, calm down. I’m sure Principal Skinner didn’t mean girls are inherently inferior.

Skinner: No. Of course not. I don’t know why girls are worse. Uh… One thing we can all agree on is <points at Krellner> this little lady sure looks pretty tonight. Am I right?

Audience: BOOOO

<Audience throws garbage. Scratchy kicks Skinner in the balls, while Itchy kicks him in the ass. Skinner falls down. Itchy and Scratchy continue kicking beaten Skinner>

 End Scene

“That should put the matter behind us”

Do you know why Mitt Romney won’t be President? I’ll tell you why. Americans will not vote for an insincere candidate. Mitt Romney’s speeches, interviews, talks are painful to listen to. It doesn’t matter what your ideology is. I think we can all agree on this matter.

Why does he seem insincere? It’s not because he’s a flip-flopper. It’s not because he has voted for things in the past that he wouldn’t vote for today. To a certain extent, all politicians have this history and must explain their record and inconsistencies. Every politician on the left or right has to do this. At a certain level, I believe everyone finds this as a somewhat comforting notion that politicians have minds, that they will use them, change them and all for the good. Of course, they better be able to explain their choices.

Where does Romney fail? Its in the manner of his explanation. He doesn’t have good reasons for his choices… or, more pointedly, may have good reasons but no ability to articulate them. And so his attempts at explanations make him seem like he is talking out of both sides of his mouth. Hence, insincere.

***

In the next scene, I think everyone can easily picture Romney standing next to Chalmers, in place of Skinner.

Scene – Rioters (female) hold signs and chant for Principal Skinner’s removal. Superintendent Chalmers and Skinner look down from the second story school window.

Chalmers: SKINNER! You’ve gotta deal with these kooks.

Skinner: Don’t worry. I have a plan. Pretend I agree with them.

Chalmers: <rolls eyes> You better hurry. Look what they’ve done to your car <pointing>

Skinner: No. That’s how it always looks.

Chalmers: oh… how’s that?

End Scene

“Pretend I agree with them”

From Romney’s explanation on his term as Governor to Romneycare to his personal income and wealth to everything, it seems as if Romney is agreeing with who ever happens to be listening at the time on every issue. He’s studied, examined, surveyed, polled and focus-grouped his responses to every audience in every different city. No wonder he doesn’t seem consistent.

***

In the last scene, the words seem to be coming out of Romney’s mouth, not Skinner’s.

Scene – Diversity Forum at Springfield Elementary. Public welcome. Audience sits in auditorium. Principal Romney in a suit behind the podium.

Romney: Today we celebrate the first of many, many, many, many diversity forums. Why is it that women “appear” to be worse at math than men? What is the source of this illusion? Or as I call it, the biggest lie ever told.

Woman stands up: You’re a worse version of Hitler.

Romney: Please believe me I… huh… I understand the problems of women. <Romney steps away from the podium. He is revealed to be wearing a skirt and high heels.> See?

Audience: GASP!!!

Nelson: Ha Ha. The Principal’s a tranny!

Romney: Am I wearing women’s clothes? I didn’t notice. When I look in my closet, I don’t see male clothes or female clothes. They’re all the same.

Mrs. Krabappel: Are you saying that men and women are identical?

Romney: No! No! Of course not. Women are unique in every way.

Woman: Now he’s saying women and men aren’t equal.

Romney: No! No! No! It’s the differences… of which there are none… that make the sameness… exceptional! JUST TELL ME WHAT TO SAY. <Starts hyper-ventilating. Faints>

Chalmers: Oh dear. Um… Attention students! Due to nervous exhaustion and diarrhea of the mouth… <Audience laughs> Yes. Yes. Yes. I said diarrhea. Principal Skinner is going to be replaced…

End Scene

“JUST TELL ME WHAT TO SAY” or “Diarrhea of the mouth”

At this point, Romney is pretty much making speeches at the same level as this last scene. If you were to do a quick time loop video of his public comments, you would see the gradual deterioration of his comments mirroring those of Skinner’s from scene to scene.

I don’t know if he’s going to win the Republican nomination or not. He’ll either lose there or in the general election is my best guess at this point.

Does this man seem Presidential to you?

***

Reference: The Simpsons, Season 17 Episode 19: Girls Just Want to Have Sums