For the last 16 years the US president’s office has consistently failed to provide entertainment. The last two occupants of the white house have been completely averse to scandals, improprieties, bold confrontation, secret wheelings and dealings, extra marital affairs, or sex of any kind seemingly. While the first administration at least had the decency to occasionally brighten your day with a VP shooting incident, a comically over-sized and untimely banner, or a few long words pronounced funny, the current one has been a steadfast snooze-fest. The checking out of an ass, has been pretty much the only funny thing to happen in 8 long years, and that may well have not been done on purpose.
Luckily the US electorate, in their wisdom have, with a loud voice, proclaimed “No more!”. The ordeal of having goody-two-shoes presidents who you couldn’t poke fun at if your life depended on it is thankfully almost over.
With that in mind I wanted to lock in my predictions for the actions of the next president with which he plans on saving us from a collective death from boredom. In the Rated Zed’s tradition I will use the NHL playoffs format (truncated to a single conference).
(1) Black-op to take out Rosie O’Donnell v. (8) Mexico actually pays for a wall
Donald’s feud with Rosie is well documented, and when taken in conjunction with his statement about how murdering a random stranger in broad daylight wouldn’t hurt his popularity, and his generally vengeful nature, the black-op is the clear favorite.
It’s really difficult to pick the distant 8 seed. Could it actually happen? A sovereign state funding a construction project inside another state? It’s not completely without precedent, Statue of Liberty being the obvious one, but of course that was a good will gesture. A wall to stop your own citizens from crossing the border seems unlikely to be given as a gift. The explanations of how this will come to pass involving trade deficits and the like seem nonsensical. The underdog’s hopes in this match-up are magic wands, hypnosis and divine interventions. Rosie in 5
(2) Téa Leoni appointed Secretary of State v. (7) Random country nuked
Tough to call match-up. Both are strong contenders. For the 2 seed you’ve got both Trump’s tendency to place strong yet sexy women in key roles (Kellyanne Conway, Nikki Haley), and his affinity for TV personalities. The announcement speech about how her on-screen experience will translate to real life expertise writes itself.
On the other hand a random nuclear strike is widely feared and would seem to be a logical tool to have in a bombastic and unpredictable leader’s toolbox. The random nuclear strike is seeded so low because it is of course without a precedent, but we have to keep in mind that so are many things that Trump has already said and done. Still, I think the 2 seed will squeak this one out. Téa in 7
(3) “Gotchaaaaaaaa!!!!” in lieu of acceptance speech v. (6) Targeted strike on downtown Tehran to clear space for a new Trump tower
Here I’m tempted to go with the underdog and here’s why. While Trump’s run may have started as a joke, I think he’s since abandoned any plans to chicken out. It is true that this would be the perfect moment and manner to go out on top, which I’m sure is on his wish list, but I just don’t see it happening. We have to remember that he’s not a mastermind. There’s no grand plan. Everything is fluid. His thoughts spring from the stuff he says/tweets. After over a year of hearing himself talk about being president, I don’t think he’s likely to recall any intentions of not actually going through with it.
The 6 seed on the other hand is fairly strong. It’s got all the necessary components for victory. First, the hawkish stance on Iran, second, the willingness to mix official powers and business interests that we’ve seen so far, and last but not least is of course the lack of a Trump tower in this major city with a rapidly growing economy. Tehran in 6
(4) Trump/Huma Abedin sexting scandal v. (5) Melania deported by the special deportation task force
Even match-up. For the 4 seed, it’s easy to see how the president elect, having thoroughly enjoyed the benefits of the fallout of Huma Abedin’s husband’s sexting escapades would want to continue his engagement on this front. It would certainly be very much in line with both his style and the overall objectives. Of course we’ve seen his enthusiasm for pursuing married women, and I assume Huma’s divorce proceedings (odd how she didn’t take her husband’s last name) will take some time.
The 5 seed will not go down without a fight however. On paper it should be seeded much higher. Melania’s violations of US immigration laws are well established, and we all know Trump’s strong commitment to violators having to leave before coming back legally. My gut however tells me that the 5 seed will not have enough in the tank to overcome the opponent. Huma in 7