A few seasons back, I tried to perform a valuable service by making NHL.com style headlines for the entire Canucks roster. It’s time to admit I didn’t do a good job of copying the NHL style. Their headlines don’t actually try. Also, they use a lot of apostrophes.
In my first attempt at a full list, I was going for “so bad it’s good”, (I’m still proud of Dom Dale Weise and We Are Not Hamhuised) but NHL.com usually doesn’t go for “so bad it’s good”. Their aesthetic is more “so “so bad that it’s actually beyond the point where it’s good and it’s bad again” that it’s good”. For instance, for Hansen’s recent hat trick, the headline read “All Hans’ on Deck”. My desire to partake reinvigorated by that awful, awful headline, I have done a run through of the current roster, more in the NHL.com style, and pertaining to actual current Canuck events.
2 ‘Huis-ton we have a problem: Canucks defenceman out with groin injury
3 ‘Eksa-llent: Defenceman seems to have shaken early-season struggles
5 Busy Sbi: With Hamhuis out of the lineup, the Italian-born defenceman has seen his role increase
6 Web’ of mystery: Why do the Canucks keep playing Weber?
7 Two-Vey forward: Linden Vey scores pair vs. Red Wings
8 Now or ‘nev-er: Tanev desperately needs contract to be extended
9 Open and shut Kass: Injuries derail Zack Kassian
13 El ’Nino: Canucks second line centre heating up
14 ‘Rrows coloured glasses: suddenly things seem more optimistic for Alex Burrows than last year
15 Wayward ‘dson: Richardson’s possession numbers not strong
17 Ready for Vrbat’-tle: Radim Vrbata is contributing to his new team
18 Taking the Stant’: Canucks opt to put defenceman in the lineup despite his frequent gaffes
20 Higg’-in’ a hole: Forward’s declaration that US thanksgiving is the “real one” draws dissatisfaction
22 ‘Din’s list: Daniel notches two against the Capitals
23 ‘Ler-ning curve: Alex Edler appears to have overcome whatever happened to him last season
27 Matth’ Lab: Shawn Matthias is a penalty killing master
29 Put me to the Sest’: Sestito itching to play
30 Mill’-stone: Netminder stones in spectacular save. (Alternatively: netminder’s contract big problem for salary cap. Alternatively alternatively: Canucks’ strong possession play undermined by Miller’s low save percentage)
31 Back in Lack: Eddie gets start vs. Penguins
33 When all is Sed’-in done: Henrik should go to the Hall of Fame
36 Jannik attack: Hansen nets hat trick, then says he’s had enough, stops getting breakaways.
51 Ringing En-‘Dorse-ment: Dorsett’s shot off the post and in.
53 He’s all ’vat: Everyone in Vancouver is a fan of Bo Horvat.