Passive Aggressive Astrology

Here is your horoscope for the week 2013.03.28 – 2013.04.03

Aries (21 March – 20 April) Hey Aries is your name Zolltan the Astrologer? No? Well, then, why are you drinking all of my orange juice that’s in the fridge and that I have to keep buying to replenish? It’s not cheap, you know. Also, learn to clean up after yourself already. You’re not 5 anymore. Thanks a bunch!

Taurus (21 April – 21 May) Lalalalalalalalalala. This is me ignoring you. This week, how about you learn to deal with it.

Gemini (22 May – 21 June) It is time to think deeply about your relations with others. Ask yourself, for example, am I being inconsiderate to some friends of mine? We all benefit from a little bit of introspection, and you, Gemini, could really use some in the coming month…

Cancer (22 June – 22 July) You ever consider that maybe, just maybe, the sign is called that for a reason?

Leo (23 July – 22 August) The stars are telling me that someone is going to get hit with a brick soon because they’re being a total jerk to their colleagues. I’m not saying it’s going to be you, necessarily. And I’m definitely not saying that I’m going to do it. It’s just – the universe has a way of seeking out karmic balance. If that scares you, Leo, well, maybe it should, and maybe try to be more constructive in your criticism at work, hm?

Virgo (23 August – 23 September) This week some boring shit is going to happen to Virgo, blah blah blah. Whatever. Does anyone ask what’s gonna happen to ME? No. All anyone ever cares about is themselves. Don’t bother asking me. It’s fine. Really. Why are you still here even? It’s not like you care.

Libra (24 September – 23 October) Dear Libra, we are all happy about your extremely active sex life. But do you have to be so freaking loud? Some people have jobs, you know, they want to sleep at night.

Scorpio (24 October – 22 November) You have my sympathies. It must be very hard going through life being so incompetent. It won’t get any easier this week

Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December) The signs that the stars give us can often be puzzling and arcane. Years of study are necessary to decipher them. Do you understand any of this stuff, Sagittarius? If you don’t, could you please kindly stop interrupting those of us who do?

Capricorn (22 December – 20 January) Music is important to your life right now, I can see that. We all love music. But does it have to be loud Hootie and the Blowfish covers all the time? Does it? Not to denigrate your taste, but how about some variety, eh? The stars are getting bored, and their ears are hurting.

Aquarius (21 January – 19 February) You know what everyone loves? Not having to deal with flaky people, who say they’re gonna come help you out, and then forget all about it. Yeah, how about that, Aquarius.

Pisces (20 February – 20 March) I’ve been trying to peer at the signs and the planets to think of something to say, but I’ve got nothing for you. There, I admit it, I am not a good astrologer. Are you happy now, Pisces? You always liked bringing people down, didn’t you?

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